So there I am, brushing my teeth. My sink is right next to the oversized luxury tub that my wife uses like, what, maybe once a year?

So I glance into it and what do I see? A spider. Every now and then a spider finds his or her way into the tub. A nice blank area free of competitors, ripe for the taking. That’s how it looks. But what the spider soon learns is that, somehow, their little sticky feet don’t work on the ceramic surface of the tub. They can’t climb up, no matter what they do.

Why? I have no damn idea, but we’ve come home from vacation before to find the occasional spider carcass.

Because I’m not normal by any stretch, that got me to thinking:

What would Spiderman do if he got stuck in a giant bathtub?

It dawned on me that, on the evidence in my own bathroom, Spiderman would be pretty easy to kill. Well, relatively speaking. I mean, if you’re an evil mastermind with tons of money to build a fortress of evil in the middle of nowhere with giant laser guns and shit.

What I’d do is find a spot way out in the middle of the desert where nobody ever goes. Then I’d build a huge giant bathtub made out of ceramic just like in our nice little bathroom tub.

But really, really huge.

Like, 40 feet deep.

Then I’d capture him, because, you know, he always gets captured at some point, right?

Then I’d put him in the tub and just fuckin’ leave him there.

For two weeks.

He could never get out.

His sticky hands and feet won’t work on the ceramic sides. There would be nothing overhead to shoot his webbies and pull himself to safety.

Nothing.

The end of Spidey.

Mwahahahaha…

Now all I need is a white Persian cat.